...and now what?

One year and counting.

Let me tell you, this is a frightening proposition. I'm sure any college senior will say exactly the same thing--the prospect of life after graduation is pretty terrifying.

I've never been someone who's known what she wants to do... and this can be more frustrating than anything else. I've never envied anyone more than those lucky few who know what they want to do in life and can pursue it with gusto. I've finally gotten to a place where I feel like I know what I want to do, but I find myself at a bit of a loss--this would have been much easier if I had realized this two years ago.

A professor of Philosophy... it fits, doesn't it? I can see myself in academia like I can in nothing else, and I adore philosophy. But that means a PhD, and a PhD means grad school applications... (and in the case of the best American programs, that means applying directly to the PhD program, because they don't offer terminal MAs) and a Doctorate in Philosophy isn't exactly the easiest program to get into. Especially since I would love nothing more than to go back to Oxford... Did I mention they're ranked as the second best philosophy faculty in the world? Eep.

So to boost my chances (since I've only spent a year as a philosophy major, and the APU program is small--apparently that can make a big difference--how rigorous your UG program was, how well known the faculty is) I decided, a year off might be good. Apply with all my philosophy classes completed--my best work submitted as a writing sample. Good idea, right? But now I have an extra year... what to do? Fulbright would not only look good on applications, it would be an amazing experience. Problem. Fulbright might be as hard to get into as some of the grad schools I'm looking at. Again, eep!

So backup plan is... Oh God. No idea. Not to mention that I have to go take that pesky GRE exam. Great.

...none of this is impossible. And it's tentative planning... but the fear of failure and rejection is horrifying. I couldn't stand to work a job like my current summer one full time after graduation. I'm a learner through and through, anything that doesn't provoke me intellectually makes me lose interest fast. (The only reason I'm getting through scanning all summer is audiobooks. Lifesavers, they are!) As hard as planning is, sticking to that planning is harder. What if something comes up? Life never happens as I plan. What if what I'm trying to do doesn't match up with what God wants me to do? What if I meet someone, unlikely as that seems right now? I'm dying to get out of Southern California. But what could keep me here? There are so many questions constantly running though my head, it's nearly impossible to get anything done. All the doubts and fears are always threatening to freeze me up, to paralyze me into passivity. But there's nothing worse than not being an active participant in your own life. So for the moment I'm fighting the myriad questions racing around my brain for a little focus, a little space to accomplish what needs to be done. So far this summer I've been in passive rest mode... devouring novels, sleeping in, trying to catch up on some tv. But I'm getting to the point of needing to restart my engine--senior seminar paper needs to be written, spanish and info systems CLEP'd, GRE studied for... and grad school to think about. Ugh.