...I think I may legitimately be having a breakdown. My body--jawline, neck, torso, and upper arms--all hurt to the touch. Like I've been badly bruised. And they have since yesterday afternoon... I haven't slept all night, because everyone was so loud with Deck the Halls. And my paper still isn't finished. I got an extension until today, but it isn't finished. I haven't had the time, and this paper has stymied me more than I imagined it could. I want to cry just looking at it right now. I don't know what to do... I want to sleep but I can't, not if the paper's not finished, whether I want to turn it in or not. And I just want to stop hurting... I wanted last night's sleep to make it go away, but it didn't... I just don't know what to do but sit here terrified and cry.

And this is what my paper writing has come to...

I have almost 5 pages of my 20 page paper done, one and a half days left to do it (factor in sleep, class, and work there as well), and yet all I can do is procrastinate. I'm feeling oddly introspective right now. Maybe it has something to do with having missed two consecutive weeks of D-group... Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I just watched Inception instead of going to the library and now I'm questioning reality...
Either way, I feel like I haven't had the time to slow down and realize where my life has been headed these last three months. Or 6 months, if you count how long it's been since I posted in this blog. This semester has flown by. I feel like it's all I've been able to do to hold on for the ride--hardly any time to stop and savor the view. I felt like I learned so much about myself this summer, through the reading I did, the time I spent with God, Walkabout, ResLife training, beginning a D-group... But in the middle of all this craziness, it's hard enough to hold onto some semblance of normalcy, some attempt to keep up with all the homework I have to do and sleep I need and new relationships that are forming, and I haven't been able to process anything. And I'm afraid that in that lack of processing time I'm losing my ability to see what I'm supposed to be pursuing and somehow getting caught up in the day to day, losing the forest for the trees. But I can't slow down enough at the moment to try and gain a little more perspective. It's a hard balance to find, but at the moment I feel like I'm much too lost in the trees to gain any clear picture of the forest. And maybe it will just take time, but it's hard to function when you feel like you're losing the clear heading you had been navigating by. And I know that that's an ok place to be--that sometimes that's the way it works, but I don't want to lost sight of everything I learned. I can't lose sight of it. So the question is... How to proceed?

...and now what?

One year and counting.

Let me tell you, this is a frightening proposition. I'm sure any college senior will say exactly the same thing--the prospect of life after graduation is pretty terrifying.

I've never been someone who's known what she wants to do... and this can be more frustrating than anything else. I've never envied anyone more than those lucky few who know what they want to do in life and can pursue it with gusto. I've finally gotten to a place where I feel like I know what I want to do, but I find myself at a bit of a loss--this would have been much easier if I had realized this two years ago.

A professor of Philosophy... it fits, doesn't it? I can see myself in academia like I can in nothing else, and I adore philosophy. But that means a PhD, and a PhD means grad school applications... (and in the case of the best American programs, that means applying directly to the PhD program, because they don't offer terminal MAs) and a Doctorate in Philosophy isn't exactly the easiest program to get into. Especially since I would love nothing more than to go back to Oxford... Did I mention they're ranked as the second best philosophy faculty in the world? Eep.

So to boost my chances (since I've only spent a year as a philosophy major, and the APU program is small--apparently that can make a big difference--how rigorous your UG program was, how well known the faculty is) I decided, a year off might be good. Apply with all my philosophy classes completed--my best work submitted as a writing sample. Good idea, right? But now I have an extra year... what to do? Fulbright would not only look good on applications, it would be an amazing experience. Problem. Fulbright might be as hard to get into as some of the grad schools I'm looking at. Again, eep!

So backup plan is... Oh God. No idea. Not to mention that I have to go take that pesky GRE exam. Great.

...none of this is impossible. And it's tentative planning... but the fear of failure and rejection is horrifying. I couldn't stand to work a job like my current summer one full time after graduation. I'm a learner through and through, anything that doesn't provoke me intellectually makes me lose interest fast. (The only reason I'm getting through scanning all summer is audiobooks. Lifesavers, they are!) As hard as planning is, sticking to that planning is harder. What if something comes up? Life never happens as I plan. What if what I'm trying to do doesn't match up with what God wants me to do? What if I meet someone, unlikely as that seems right now? I'm dying to get out of Southern California. But what could keep me here? There are so many questions constantly running though my head, it's nearly impossible to get anything done. All the doubts and fears are always threatening to freeze me up, to paralyze me into passivity. But there's nothing worse than not being an active participant in your own life. So for the moment I'm fighting the myriad questions racing around my brain for a little focus, a little space to accomplish what needs to be done. So far this summer I've been in passive rest mode... devouring novels, sleeping in, trying to catch up on some tv. But I'm getting to the point of needing to restart my engine--senior seminar paper needs to be written, spanish and info systems CLEP'd, GRE studied for... and grad school to think about. Ugh.

BAH.  I am SO CLOSE to finishing the semester.  Friday of final's week, and my last paper of the semester is due at midnight.  Worst idea by a professor ever.  Because when you give me till midnight, I'll take till midnight.  Except that I'm at home for my sister's dance show.  Which starts in two hours.  So there goes 3-ish hours of the night.  And my research didn't exactly tell me what I wanted to know.  So my easy revision of my half-written paper has become an ohmygoshIhavenoideawtftowritewhyamIaphilosophymajoragain bit of evilness that is mocking me as we speak.  Under 7 hours left.  (Which counting the dance show is probably more like 3 or 4.  Damn)

So, part of my motivation in starting this blog was to give myself a creative outlet while paper-writing so I wouldn't unleash too much frustration on twitter... so here goes.  (And, to note, I started this post a week before actually publishing it... But of course, I am once again working on a paper).

$&%(*#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope, no cessation of frustration... (but I should probably note that I went back to my paper for a little while after writing this bit)

...I'm too tired for this. Why in the world I thought I could write philosophy at 6 and 6:30 in the morning is beyond me. Oh, wait, I've gone and made a habit of it. Damn. Where's my caffeine?

Definitely not going to have time to finish this before work. 6:45 already. My alarm went off an hour ago (why hasn't the caffeine kicked in yet?). Still at under a page on the essay front. Oops.

Still no caffeine effect yet. Maybe I just didn't sleep enough for my normal amounts to work properly... stupid overactive brain keeping me awake all hours of the night. I am most definitely not as awake as I should be after coffee and being up for an hour and a half. Crap. Today will be a long day.

BLEH

I just want to go take a long nap. Like, 2 or 3 hours. Instead I'm headed to work in 15 minutes or so. And then to class (the class I absolutely despise. Man, is she gonna get an earful in that IDEA evaluation form...). But then to coffee with an old friend I haven't seen for a long time... YEAH! But that means less time to finish this paper before one. Again, oops.

(an hour later at work) STROKE OF GENIUS.  What, may you ask, is this masterful idea?  Write the critique part of the paper at work instead of doing my usual internet surfing.  Score.  Paper done without having to sacrifice coffee/lunch.

...And one week later, I am once again struggling with a philosophy paper.  I think I write more easily when I disagree with the topic.  At the moment I am struggling mightily to use what few braincells I have left to talk about the notion of validity in art and literature interpretation.  <--I know, right?  Sometimes I think I'm crazy for being a philosophy major too.  Maybe I should actually start writing and stop blogging...

To begin

It occurred to me recently that it might be nice to have a place to use my excess verbal energy (this is my favorite new phrase--I like to think it's a rather accurate description of my particular brand of paper-writing ADD). I've gotten into the bad habit of using twitter for this, which results in about seven tweets in two hours when frustrated with and procrastinating on paper writing. So in deference to all five people who read my twitter feed, I thought I'd give myself a slightly larger and less-read space to rant (most likely reserved for my frustration while writing business papers). And ramble (I will once again have a painfully boring job this summer). And ruminate on occasion (I am a philosophy major after all... I need to work on ways to completely lose intro students in deep, complex philosophical wanderings!). But in any case, don't expect anything too deep. Oh, and anything's game--expect a little philosophy, a dash of fashion, a hint of nonsensical streamofconsciousness wanderings, and maybe a dab of the inspired (not likely).

So in any case, forgive me my obsessive use of parenthesis, ellipses, and THE DASH (thank you, Ms. Sprague). Hopefully I can amuse you a little. At any rate, at least my excess verbal energy is safely dispersed!